The Difference Reflections on Authentic Submission by Michelle G.

"Remember, BDSM only works when all parties benefit equally."

"Everything must be safe, sane, and most importantly, consensual. If the submissive doesn't want something to happen, it just doesn't happen. Period."

"If you look closely at a D/s relationship, you'll see that it's really the sub who holds all the power. After all, she can stop the scene with a single word."

Do these statements look familiar? They ought, if you've spent any time on the web researching BDSM, or even attended any "munches" or other types of meetings. They've become somewhat the holy tenets of the subculture...and they miss the point entirely.

To submit is defined as "to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; to surrender." Such a simple concept, and so very beautiful. How, then, has it become twisted into nothing more than a method of getting one's own way? If a submissive looks toward her relations with a dominant with selfishness, wondering what's in it for her, she is destroying the very thing she claims to be. Rather than being used and enjoyed, she is only performing for her own pleasure; where is the "gift" in that?

As personal subjugation (wearing the title of BDSM) has become more mainstream, it seems that some of its core ideals, and perhaps its very meaning, have been watered-down to be more palatable to the masses. While acceptance and tolerance are generally beneficial things, we cannot help but mourn the purity and simplicity that has been sacrificed. Slaves aren't really slaves; they're usually submissives who simply see that term as more romantic. Masters are prohibited from being Masters, for fear of so offending the general populace that their own freedom is revoked. We are slowly being suffocated by the customs of the mainstream world, and one of the more disturbing symptoms of this is the proliferation of "submissives" who are only looking out for themselves and their own enjoyment.

This is not to say that there is no pleasure to be found in real submission; quite the contrary! But it is a selfless pleasure, with the focus remaining firmly on the dominant's own satisfaction. This is a difficult state of mind to attain, and especially when one is surrounded by our society's constant assurances of our own worth and rights...but it is worth it. Think back to your childhood, likely during a holiday or other special occasion, when you first encountered the adage that it is better to give than to receive. You probably didn't believe it then. Maybe you don't fully believe it now, but we've all had small tastes of it. Have you ever taken the time and trouble to select what you just KNEW was the perfect gift for someone? Have you felt the thrill of accomplishment that comes of seeing their pleasure upon receiving it? Then you know at least part of the essence of service, and the role of a submissive female.

This feeling, this thrill...it's beginning to sound a bit like pride, isn't it? And indeed it is, but it's most assuredly not the kind of pride which points only to oneself. The ability to feel proud of obeying and pleasing one's Master or Mistress is one of the most desirable traits in a female, for that pleasure serves as a powerful form of positive reinforcement, ensuring that she will always try her utmost to succeed at her task.

And so we come now to what is perhaps the most difficult of our ideals to grasp; that a submissive female's pride, her sense of worth, should be based solely upon her ability to please. Once she has made the choice to serve, the best and perhaps only way to approach perfection in that is to give herself over entirely to her dominant. This is such a lovely and often-praised concept, and yet the elusive nature of its reality has frightened or discouraged countless numbers of us. It is very hard to find a worthy Master in the first place, one whose views and expectations match what we want so badly to give. And then, even once we have met this wonderful being, the struggle between our true natures and everything we've been taught from birth can become almost unbearable! Our hearts tell us to surrender, to release our pride and self-esteem, the seeds of our happiness itself, into the care of another. But the other side, the one molded and shaped by the misguided notions of equality forced upon us, protests vehemently each time we approach our proper place at the feet of our adored ones.

If a female is to be happy, and fulfilled in her submission, she must fight that side of herself, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is to silence the voice of pride. Only then will she find the unique and rapturous peace that is her only real right, and which is only born of surrender and honest, loving servitude.