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Stella Della Sera wrote in her recent article about her captivity fantasies:
~ The ultimate validation
of a woman's desirability
must be to make her your slave or your captive. ~
This was beautifully encapsulated in her paragraph here and I thought this a very insightful passage:
To desire you so much that your captor must take away your freedom, to eliminate the pain of not having you, to eliminate the risk of your rejecting him or refusing or leaving or changing your mind or simply not wanting what he wants, so that he has to make you his slave in order to possess you completely because his desire for you is so great — what could be better, what could possibly make you feel more valuable and desirable and sexually powerful than to be wanted so much you have to be held captive and enslaved, so that you become more powerful as a female even as all your worldly power is taken away?
I now want to speak here from a male dominant's point of view. I think that she has really hit the nail on the head in that it is very true that most doms do not want anyone other than those they consider desirable as their submissive. However, those they consider desirable may not necessarily have to be beautiful. Physical attributes I would say are less important than attitude.
Most doms want and need that inviolable "possession" and they will use "forced captivity" as the ultimate means to achieve it if necessary because the concept of their desired submissive never being able to escape their attentions is their ultimate control. And here lies the core point of all dominance in BDSM terms:
Total control equals no possibility of rejection.
The desirability of the submissive for the dominant must be such that even the possibility of rejection cannot be contemplated, because rejection necessarily means a loss of control, and it is that insatiable desire for control which is the inner turbine driving most doms. Whether that need for control is an instinctive one coming from some hardwired inner core or whether caused by some early nurturing experience is a subject in itself, but the fact remains that it is the control even more than sexual desire for any single woman which has the strongest influence, no matter how desirable or beautiful the submissive may be.
And it is on this point that Stella perhaps fails to grasp what really drives the male dominant's needs. How much more achingly romantic it would be if she were right - and I'm not dismissing her argument out of hand - but there is an alternative less romantic view that the actual desirability of the woman as perceived by others is not the core impetus for dominance in the male, but his need to control the object of his own perceived desires. However, once the unassailable control is there, then there is nothing to inhibit any amount of normal intimate and mutual desirability and passion. And how much more beautiful it all is once this falls into place.
Now on to the second part of my argument.
In her article, Stella seems to be speaking more from the point of view of "mental masochism" rather than true submission. I am not knocking mental masochism, in fact I love that in a submissive, but is being forced into captivity or tortured in a way that is nonconsensual "submission" at all? I would argue that it is not, but that it is a highly common feeling which thousands of women have which equates with and indeed actually is nothing more than "mental masochism." This is having hugely arousing thoughts revolving around fantasies of being held captive and subject to whatever debauched whims their captor subjects them to via the darker recesses of their own minds.
Surely the true submissive desires in herself to submit willingly to the pleasures or the pleasuring of her Master? This means to submit consensually to perhaps exactly the very same strictures as Stella envisages in her pirate fantasy, but this time from a point of willingness.
So to get to the very crux of my argument, I would say that, although Stella's article is superbly written, extremely insightful, and certainly food for thought as well as being incredibly sexy, it misses the difference between submission (voluntary and mutual) and mental masochism - (forced and with no choice, even if secretly desired).
Perhaps a dichotomy worthy of future discussion?
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