Open Heart, Open Mind The Virtue of Transparency in Submission by Lilith and Amayos

Little White Lies

That's a comforting phrase, isn't it? After all, white lies are safe, friendly statements that don't really hurt anyone; they just smooth the way for people to get along in society. White lies are telling your boss that you're stuck in traffic, instead of that you overslept. White lies are assuring your sister that her dress does not, in fact, make her look fat. You hear them, and probably tell them, every day.

But is there really such a thing as a "white" lie, in the context of a D/s relationship? Somehow, I don't think so.

Recent research suggests that humans first learn the concept of lying—and how to do it—between the ages of two and four. And for many of us, it's a lifelong habit. Really, who is honest to everyone, everywhere, all the time? I’ve yet to meet the person who will claim this—and if I did meet her, I'd probably think she was lying!

However, no matter how most people behave in day-to-day dealings with others, there is one person to whom a girl should never, ever lie. I’ll give you three guesses as to his identity.

At the risk of generalizing, part of a Master’s role is to shape his female, to help her grow into what she needs to be. How can he do that, if she isn’t completely honest with him? Lies, secrets, unvoiced fears…all these things interfere in his ability to know her, and make it impossible for him to determine the best way to deal with her. So her chance at improvement is ruined before she even begins, all because she’s not telling her Master everything he must know—which is to say, everything about her.

Now don't get me wrong, please. I understand the urge to bend the truth, and particularly when we know the probable consequences of telling it. Pain (of the non-erotic variety) is a common part of those consequences, and as animals, we generally find that pain is something we want to avoid. So yes, we may be tempted to hide a wrongdoing or improper thought from our owners, simply out of fear.

But eventually, lies—even ones of omission—hurt us much more than would a physical punishment, or even the emotional pain of disapproval. And they hurt our relationships even more.

Take a moment to think about it, please. It's human nature to push boundaries, but what girl really and truly wants to defeat her owner? Maybe in a moment of anger or fear, she might think she does, but it’s never a good idea to try.

A female’s deception is often the first step onto a very dangerous path. Even if she gets away with it, the experience only makes her unhappy. She has less respect for the male she serves, because she’s “put one over on him”. She feels guilty, as well, for having betrayed his trust. And she feels trapped by her own fear of what will happen if she confesses.

Over time, these feelings will build, and they’ll probably spur her on to more misbehavior. Why? Because frankly, she's asking for his help. Whether consciously or not, she’s seeking a limit, to be brought back to what she instinctively knows is her role. She’s trying to MAKE him notice her failings, so that he’ll correct them.

Topping from the bottom, anyone? I have a pet peeve about that bratty little habit, and I know a lot of dominants who do, as well. Engage in enough of it, and you may well find yourself without a Master to serve.

So it seems to me it would be easier just to tell the complete truth in the first place, and avoid all this mess. And if you find that you can’t trust your owner enough to act in a manner worthy of HIS trust, then perhaps you should both take a step back and look at where your relationship is really heading. Chances are, you don’t want to go there.

No Enemies Within

Do you ever resent your Master? Are there times when you secretly harbor a distaste for his commands or desires, but don't really know why? Do you bury these feelings out of need to conform, and in so doing, grow ever more secretly discontent?

The process of burying resentment leads to a spiral of negative emotions which layer themselves enigmatically within the subconscious; before long you might not even know why you're mad—just that you are. And therein so often lies the crux of it all; the reality that a vast portion of our good nature can be and frequently is subverted by ineffectually dealing with negative emotions.

But what, you may ask, does all this talk of negative emotions really have to do with transparency? Simply put, resentment and the absence of transparency often share a close interrelation. At its core, resentment is a hidden anger nurtured by an absence of transparency and openness, even to one's own self. That many may not have been taught to identify and neutralize their own internal conflicts is not of any surprise; the stresses of a civilization predicating itself upon speed, harsh competitiveness and sensual escapism continues to foster a culture of internal disconnect, the cost of which is not easily recognized or weighed with mere surface reflection.

In order to be free of the effects of resentment, a girl must know how to deal with anger and its poisonous effects. To do this she must hone her ability to be honest always to her Master and manage non-productive thoughts and emotions effectively.

The word transparency is correlative to seeing; it is a consciously upheld state of honesty that is made available to be observed. It is also important to note that transparency within oneself runs counter to the subconscious effects of negative emotions; to perfect it externally and internally means to accomplish a state of refined honesty and emotional awareness, where no enemies lie within.

In the relations we idealize, complete transparency means that a girl is never dishonest to her Master, for she knows any secret she keeps prevents him from knowing her entirely—that mystery within herself obstructs her purity in submission. Though she may feel this will at times place her in disfavor with her Master, she knows ultimately that in learning the true nature of her thoughts, he will better know how to shape her. In transparency a girl practices how to manage her resentment by letting negative emotions pass through her and not into her, where they will build a home. She finds a place of solace in her mind where she may watch fear, anger and other negative experiences unfold and fall without taking personal root. This is the path to internal balance.

With practice, you will find the merry-go-round of reinforcing anger and reflex instinct to deceive grind slowly to a stop. It should be noted that self-honesty and a true commitment to personal improvement in this vein is absolutely crucial; without such drive in place, the rewards of transparency will never be realized. Though complete personal transparency should only be sought and explored in service to your trusted owner, the tools the above philosophy provides in dealing with negative emotions will benefit your mental and spiritual growth throughout life.