[Author's Note: Let me be clear: I have very little experience in a real, living D/s relationship; I have been actively living a D/s relationship for the great span of time that is four weeks. I am not arrogant enough to think I know what I’m talking about without years of real experience. Like so many things we yearn for, in the hopes of being given this opportunity, I have been preparing. What follows is my present understanding of what it means to be Dominant. These views are based on my few years of life, the many books I have read, and the lessons I have allowed life to teach me. I hope to express truth and wisdom here so that you too may find hope in your quest to be a good Dominant, define one, or submit to your very own.]
Dominant and submissive or Master and slave, names used to describe a power exchange relationship: these words come with their own implied meanings and connotations and varying interpretations. We all come to a power exchange relationship looking to gain something from it. We bring with us something of ourselves that we are willing to give the other in return.
What makes the power exchange relationship unique and distinctly different from a vanilla one is the clarity of the partners' roles. There is no subtle dance of wills to confuse and complicate things. This clarity does come with a trade-off. One person must submit their will in trust to the other. The trusted person accepting the submission must earn that trust by using the understood control in an effective manner. This trusted person is the focus of my article.
A Dominant’s desires are different. He sees the larger picture. He balances the desires of ego with the world around him. He does not prioritize his own desires over others. He sees beyond personal gains, understanding the benefits of considering others in his decisions. He seeks intimacy and depth in relationships. He seeks quality in a partner over the experience of quantity.
A Dominant is responsible. He understands what responsibility is and where it begins and ends. He understands the difference between who should take responsibility and who deserves responsibility. He is responsible for his own failures – recognizing, admitting, and learning from failures while moving past them. A Dominant expects his submissive to be accountable and is accountable to her. Understanding this: A Dominant will be slow to jump and fast to stop. Impulsive and rash actions are his enemy. He will stamp these habits out of his life.
A Dominant is a student. Lacking knowledge should never be a source of shame. A Dominant understands this. He welcomes opportunities to be taught. The wisdom of a teacher is a jewel to a Dominant. By maintaining the mindset of a student, the Dominant is open to many things. He learns from the teacher, himself, his submissive. He is able to perceive the vantage points of others and incorporates those perspectives into his own. As a student, the Dominant always has a direction and purpose, providing constant opportunity for growth.
A Dominant seeks mastery. He understands that it is not a condition but a path. He strives to be meticulous, thorough, and purposeful. He cuts away those parts that he does not find useful for himself or those he cares for. He rejects the immediate for the benefits that come with patience. Through these habits, he constantly refines the self. A Dominant exemplifies balance and self-control. He also knows the power of Dominance and mastery is intoxicating. When it goes unchecked, it can easily spin completely out of control. When power is overbearing and poorly managed, it leaves people paranoid and distrusting. Power properly wielded by someone with knowledge and confidence will produce the wanted result with unrivaled elegance and grace. The submissive will trust that every last detail was planned and accounted for. Many forget that power is a tool without a moral will. The one holding power determines its intent and quality. A chef’s knife is as deadly as a sword and easier to hide. But only under the mastered control of a trained chef will it make enticing food to nourish the body and please the senses. Like a chef, a Dominant masters many skills, using everything around him to feed the mind of his submissive(s) and nourish the soul through the use of her body.
A Dominant seeks communication. A Dominant develops and fosters many different lines of communication. He desires feedback from those under him. He listens to the needs and wants of those in his care. He considers their views as he makes decisions.
A Dominant is intentional. Because a Dominant expects the best from himself, he expects it of others. Because He wants the best for himself, he wants it for others. Each action is taken thoughtfully. No step is wasted on the path that leads to his goal. A Dominant rejects power for its own sake, wielding it only as a tool. He does not seek his own desires or the desires of the submissive. A Dominant does not suffer the vanity of desire for its own sake. Each is leveraged for its maximum benefit.
A Dominant is naturally dominant. That secret thing that makes a Dominant different from most people lies deep within his core self. It exists underneath the personality and knowledge modern society finds so valuable. It is there before he crawls or walks. It is his very nature to be worthy of, and in, control. It is unfulfilling to do anything else. A Dominant has purpose, is adaptive, strong, consistent and reliable. He is clear and forthright. He is also accepting and forgiving, kind and healing. His loving intent will be obvious to those around him. Because of all of these things, he does not feel the need to prove himself to others. His dominant nature does not require a submissive to express itself. He is able to channel this drive elsewhere. He commands without commands. However, it is with a submissive under his care that a Dominant finds completion and an inner calm begins to dwell within Him.
Ultimately, all Dominants are humans who have accepted responsibility for themselves and one or more others. For a Dominant, self-control is vital. The idea of maintaining control, for a Dominant, extends way beyond anger management. It encompasses everything in the life of the Dominant and his submissive(s).
"The slave is responsible to the Master. The Master is responsible to the entire relationship."
~ a Master quoted by Jack Rinella in A Master's Manual
I believe this quote is a great summation of what it means to be Dominant. I hope you find something here that is new to you and something that is old and true. Please leave any comments, thoughts, or suggestions you might have. I love feedback and dialogue.
