Metamorphosis: One Couple Begins a Power Exchange Relationship Part 2: Reflections after Week 8 by Shiva and Parvati

[This is Part 2 in a series of articles chronicling the evolution of a power exchange relationship. Please see  Part 1  for the beginning of the journey.]

His Side ...                                                      (Click here for Her Side ...)

Life is so very strange at times. To write a coherent narrative of our relationship in dynamic evolution requires a linear construct of our thoughts, actions, and reactions. Explaining cause and effect in our interaction can be simple and straightforward under ordinary circumstances. But these last few weeks are not, for me, quantifiable just yet. I cannot clearly see a straight line from where I was several months ago to where I am today.

I can see myself eight weeks ago. I can clearly see myself in my present circumstances right now. The two selves I see do not seem interconnected. They look and act like two unique individuals, in two different environments, with no core similarities – that is, unless I place a tremendous amount of weight on my request for this D/s relationship that we are now practicing.

I cannot fathom that a simple, quiet, rather odd, and unfulfilled desire of mine could possibly have limited our lives so completely for so long. Or rather, I struggle to accept that my need for this particular relationship construct is so deeply seated within my being that not having it could have caused such drastic problems between us. So many men have no problem living a life of placid banality. Why couldn't I?

While I simply can find no other cause or reason, it is a struggle for me to accept this – to accept that my unmet need to intensely care for and watch after my wife as a cherished person possessed by me could have disrupted our lives so completely.

But now?

There now exists a dichotomy in my life. On the one hand, nothing has changed for us. I am still the husband, equal partner in all things, doing the day-to-day routine. She is still my wife, equal partner in all things, doing the same day-to-day routine. But between us, much has changed. Subtle and invisible things have changed. Now is a reality sea-change.

Once we decided to actually give this lifestyle a try, we took the very next opportunity and got away from it all. We planned, packed, and left for a long four-day weekend alone. It took us nearly a month to find the weekend and the right, very private, cabin that would suit our needs. The three weeks between our decision and our private weekend were spent with small discussions, notes, and a whole lot of thinking on my part.

You spend years drooling at that wonderful new toy in the window, wishing and wishing for a way to get it, then wham! There it is sitting in your lap. After you freak out, you are left with what to actually do with that new toy. Get me?

So the weekend comes and we arrive. The first night is wonderful! I pulled out some "stuff" I had constructed for just this weekend. She did not reject anything. We tried some new things for her, and really for me, too. We played the parts of the D/s relationship and generally had a very long, late, kinky, and very satisfying evening.

We woke well after much deserved rest, had breakfast, and jumped right into the next items of interest I had planned. Not everything went as well as the first night. And let me tell you, a deep, hard conversation is even harder when you're naked – which helped us establish our first structured rule: No hard conversations until all parties are safely dressed and in a good space. Once dressed, we continued our conversation. It took from about nine that morning until five or six that evening. With the few snacks we had purchased at the local grocery store, we never noticed the sun rise and begin to set that day. We cried, we yelled, we sighed, and we complimented. We loved each other and we hurt each other that day. But above all else, we were completely honest with each other again. We were beginning to build a pattern.

The conversation also gave us another chance to express to one another what we hoped to get out of our life together and how we saw that happening. That evening we went out to dinner on a "date." That single act started things back up the hill to wonderful where it crested the next morning and continued until we left. We had several follow-up conversations that weekend where I expressed a desire for some protocol in our life. My wife expressed a few worries. She worried about not being able to keep up with all the rules, or our daughter and our families finding out too much. The latter point I conceded was a valid concern, and I discussed ways to have the protocol and still keep things quiet. We decided to keep it small and simple.

We started with just two protocols. She is always to sit and stand at my left and hand me things with her left hand. Both have symbolism and are easy to do. Always sitting on my left puts her in the seat of honor that a maiden would have during a feast if she and a knight were courting. Standing to my left puts her in the place of safety that a maiden would take when being protected by a knight in a combat situation during the Dark Ages: deeply behind his shield. The other is for her always to hand me things with her left hand. It's the hand of the heart, the closest physical connection from me to her heart. To everyone else, she is to give and pass things with her right hand, placing them as far from her heart as is possible.

That's it! It's really that simple for now. And believe me, it's hard enough for now. But what these two simple protocols do for us is really unimaginably positive. One, it gives her a private way to say I love you, or I respect you, or I disagree but I am still in submission to you. It also gives her the ability to quietly reject me or something I have said or done without making a huge fuss in front of God and everybody. It can be reassuring to me on a daily or even a moment-by-moment basis. It also relieves some of the pressure that is created by the humiliation she can heap on me when she makes her dissonance a public matter – something she did all too casually in the past.

One other thing coming out of the weekend that has had a huge effect on us is spanking. She was absolutely against it until we agreed that part of this lifestyle was that she had to stop saying no without trying it first. Since that weekend, we have used spanking for many things. Most often we have used it as a way to explore erotic pain, something I am very interested in. We have also used it as a correction and equally as a catharsis for processing negative emotions.

In one argument we had, I commanded her to submit to a spanking. This enraged her. I'm serious. The devil hasn't had flames that hot in his eyes. She was a volcano of emotions quietly spewing out of her eyes. But she did submit. I was very, very proud of the strength it took for her to do that. God, I can't even express the pride, pleasure, and admiration for her I had that night. Funny thing, I didn't actually spank her for the issue we were fighting about. She had internalized something rather than expressing it to me in a calm verbal form. And it was that for which I spanked her. If she is not open and honest with me, I cannot properly care for her and consider her perspective.

So the spanking ended and we went to bed. I attempted to be kind to her, to show her that I was not mad. But as I recall, she wouldn't even let me touch her that night. That was okay. In the morning, she was stolid and neutral. I thought, "Oh boy... we are headed for a crack in the wall." What a tense day for me that was. But the crack never formed. Later that day, we talked about it. When she finally came to me, she thanked me. Huh!?! Yeah, she thanked me. She had not realized her internalization and apparently the spanking gave her some sense of, I don't know. She couldn't really explain it and I am still at a loss. But once she was through her pride, the spanking had made her feel much better. Less rejected maybe. Certainly it gave her a feeling that I was still involved and not recoiling from our fight. But I'm not sure.

Personally I just wanted to drive home the point that disagreements, by themselves, were not bad or wrong. But inappropriate actions leading up to, during, or because of a disagreement are what I want stopped. By internalizing things, she fails to share them with me. This creates a communication gap between us and walls her off from me. This is counterproductive to the open, loving, and healthy relationship I desire with her and that she has agreed to be a part of. That event ended well for us, if not more than a little shocking for me!

These are a couple of small examples of what has been going on between us. I can't tell you how much I have learned about us both and about us as a couple. I have learned more about her specifically than anything else. The tragedy is that I only understand about 10% of what I have learned. The other 90% is confusing as hell.

Remember too, most of this has gone on behind closed doors. Nothing in the public has changed to the uneducated eye. This has led to a striking dichotomy in our lives. But it's not a dichotomy in conflict. This whole experience has been and continues to be amazing, if not a little confusing or just hard to grasp mentally. But the evidence is clear. Our worst arguments are half of the intensity they used to be. They also happen very infrequently now. The positive effects of this lifestyle continue to improve things for us. It's just so strange.

Please try to understand my perspective here, to understand my personal confusion. Again, outwardly not much has changed in our lives. And between us, privately and subtly, we have some rituals, new communication styles, and new dialogue. However, and I cannot stress this enough, so much more has changed that most days, I don't recognize my wife as the woman I married. That woman lying in the bed next to me is not my wife. That girl kneeling at my feet? Nope, not her. The vibrant, sexual creature who smiles at me from across the room? Yeah... I have no idea who that is.

That stranger is nothing like my wife. My wife would never do the things she does, never mind we aren't behind locked doors. My wife would never have tried some of the things we have tried. My wife? Yeah, she would never have looked to me for guidance or direction about anything. She would have ranted and raved out of fear and panic rather than have a little faith in me. My wife must have been collected in the "trade-in and trade-up" program that the local BDSM scene has been advertising! Our thirteen-year-old hasn't even noticed the switch!

Now here's the oddest but most wonderful thing of all. That smile, the little one sitting there in the corner of her mouth, looks just like the one my wife had when she was younger. I recognized it instantly. It was the first thing I noticed in a train station when I was seventeen. It was our first date. I haven't seen that smile it in a very long time. I have missed that smile...

Vanilla. I think of where I was two months ago, and this is what stands out. I thought I was "normal," boring, just wanting to be wanted. I did not see a draw to this lifestyle that could not be found in regular relationship interaction. My life seemed very different than it is today. I went to work, talked to friends, spent time with my family. I loved my husband and child. All of these things are still true, but there is more to me now: a depth, a fulfillment that did not exist before. My husband brought forth to the light all of the things I had been able to stuff deep under the carpet, hidden from even myself – that we were not okay, and that he was unhappy. I was not really living my own life; I was just passing through, coasting.

I can see myself in my mind's eye as I was before. I remember my thoughts and can re-experience the emotions I felt:

• I was fearful. Afraid of judgment, of giving up control. The amount of anxiety and panic in my daily life was invading, like the tendrils of a weed, creeping in and filling every crack.

• I was angry. I had anger from past issues and past people that I had never truly let go of, just ignored.

• I was sad. I felt that my loving husband wanted this life because I alone could not please him. I felt I was lacking, less than other women. I felt that I was not good enough to be just loved.

• I was hard on myself – vicious, unable to be pleased. If I could not love me, and do things to better myself, how could anyone else?

All of these feelings were burdens that were breaking my relationship and needed to be addressed. I felt them all the time, usually all at once. I was self-destructing with my frantic attempt to make my life "normal." My control over situations was off the charts. I even went as far as to correct my husband in public, a grown adult who was perfectly capable of speaking and acting in any manner he chose. I guess I thought if I could make us "look" better off, or more in sync, then we would eventually be better off and more in sync. Crazy, right??

In my last writing, I told you how my loving husband brought the situation back to functional. He laid down rules, and I have to abide by them. This may sound negative or controlling to some people, but those with a submissive mindset understand: by relinquishing this control to him, I gain a healthier view of life. I have the mental freedom to participate actively in my own daily doings, rather than feeling as I used to, so flustered that my days just slipped away.

In short, we discussed what was okay and what was not. We set guidelines, limits, rules, and goals. We agreed where we wanted to see this life take us. And we hit the ground running. I was so ready, willing to be pliable, to give to the man who was so loving and persistent with me. I guess when I decided to give in, there was no holding back. I knew I had to go 100%. I jumped headlong into his Dominance, and have not regretted a single moment.

It was fantastic. I felt more loved, more cherished than ever before. I knew that I was thought about, cared for. I felt special! I was finally able to love my spouse, my other half, in a way that he could really receive. I don't think I have seen that light in his eyes in quite awhile, if ever. It was a thankful, grateful, adoring look of love at my submission. It gives me a warm rush just sitting here thinking about it. I don't know anyone who doesn't crave someone seeing them through eyes like that.

So after the initial "yes" to this lifestyle, I became two people: the one I had always been, and the woman I craved being. Who I was: Controlling, untrusting, sharp, guarded. Never really living, just subsisting and accepting happiness in a shallow life.

But who I want to be? She is amazing. Fun, strong in her submission, fiercely dedicated to the one who dominates her. Pliant and subservient, cherished and admired. She is confident in the new truth that control and trust are his to have, and that he will keep his end of the bargain.

In an attempt to get off on the right foot, we rented a cabin for a long weekend. There were ups and downs that weekend. Day one: lots of laughing, and being intimate. We tried out some different types of play that we were interested in: a bit of bondage, rope, and spanking – things that truly highlight the power exchange relationship we were learning to live. It was a great day. No arguments, no real struggles. But of course, I knew there were going to be some adjustments. They hit us hard on day two.

Day two consisted of a loooooong discussion about our past, our knowledge of each other, and trust. We talked about the mistakes we had made and the ways we had hurt each other, intentionally or not. We talked about promises we had made that were not realistic – you know, young love promises like, "I will never leave, no matter what." (Really, who can promise this?? There are far too many factors that could influence this. I was naïve to think this was realistic to expect, and I abused the promise by allowing myself to depend on it. What I mean is that I had his word that he would never leave, so I acted however I wanted to act – not mature, or loving, I know. Not something I am proud of.) This talk was hard and took a very long time to hash out. I realized that he was worth it. He was able to love me in a way that I did not know I needed. He knew, and knew just how to pull it off. I was made aware that as much as he loved and focused on me, I wanted to return every bit of it.

Coming home to daily life was hard. Not a lot of support, since there was no one in my vanilla daily routine that I could talk to who knew how I felt, who had walked in my heels. I think I overwhelmed my Dominant with my willingness to accept, learn, and grow. I know that I felt some form of "sub frenzy" – I was all of a sudden very willing to do all of the things that he had fantasized about. I wanted more: more time, more toys, more experiences. Honestly, a lot of what I wanted was way beyond my ability; I was not ready for some things, like fire play, or public parties. Thankfully my Dominant knew all of this, and knew me, and reined me in. Just as with any other desire, you have to be able to achieve a healthy balance between "real life" and kink, and heed how fast you grow, or it just becomes addiction.

So how was I to get there, to that woman I've described? She is what I strive for every day, yet I had no idea how to become her. I began studying. Online mostly. I read lots of sites and blogs (thank you, Humbled Females...) and created a profile on a social network geared toward power exchange relationships. My husband tells me that I will grow from friendships with other submissive females, by talking, asking questions, connecting in what we like and how we live. I still have not made a solid connection with any other submissives. But I hope that will come in time.

This is an intensely personal and private thing for me. It is not easy to make friendships based on the intimacy I share with my Dominant. I need to trust those with whom I share it, or have complete anonymity. This need came to light when one day my Dominant expressed the urge to go to local get-togethers and meet people. In real life. Face to face. I was not okay with this at all, initially. He went alone at first, but this was our life together, and it felt divisive for him to be the only one investing. So, slowly, I ventured out with him. I learned that trust is key for us. I wanted to display in a very tangible way that I am secure in his presence, that I am trusting and sure of his care for me.

I practice. Every day. Initially I thought this was something we could turn on and off, like wearing a cloak and hanging it up when company comes over. But it quickly became evident that on-off wasn't functional for us. We don't "live it 24/7" as far as protocol, but the general attitude of consideration carries through. Daily I wake and have to fight old habits. I constantly forget where to sit. I speak out of turn. I do not properly portray the love and respect my husband deserves. There were some basic courtesy issues that I was unaware of before now. And I have had times when my pride just has not relented, and I have flat-out refused to submit.

I am improving, however. Today I can see when I am running him over in conversation with others, whereas before, I would have been oblivious. Deference does not chap my spirit (95% of the time). I am able to exemplify my love for my lover through my actions now.

I have grown to realize how lucky I am as a woman, and as a submissive female. On the womanly side, I am married to a dedicated man who has chosen to cherish me, even when I was hurting him. I have someone who shares my bed and finds me attractive after many years together. He is intellectually provocative – he sees the world in a way I don't understand, and he constantly challenges me to see things differently. He is my best friend. As a submissive, I am cared for by a man who has my best interest in mind, not just his own need to dominate. He pushes my limits without pushing me off the edge. He is fully in control.

I think that the way "vanilla" is viewed is off-target a bit. It is seen as a state of being, much like being a Dominant, or a bottom, or polyamorous. But the truth? Vanilla is the base of every awesome flavor. It's the starting point for something truly delicious.