Metamorphosis: One Couple Begins a Power Exchange Relationship Part 1: Reflections after Week 2 by Shiva and Parvati

[The advice offered in "His Side" is written from a male Dominant's perspective as he introduces a new power structure into the relationship, and so the partner is referred to as "she." The advice applies equally to a female submissive proposing a new power structure to the man in her life. Just substitute "he" for "she" when discussing the partner.]

His Side ...                                                      (Click here for Her Side ...)

For some of us, there is a tiny itch in our heads that can go for a long time without being scratched. But as I can testify, if it never gets scratched, you are less than half the person you could be. I was introduced to kink in my mid-teens and way before I was ready. Later, in my late teens, I met the wonderful woman who is now my wife. When we met, I was in kink denial and pretty vanilla. We dated a few years and married when I was twenty. We had been married another two years when I realized that my kinky desires were not going away. I was terrified to bring my dominance to her, this perfect and innocent little girl. I was certain she would pack up and run. I know I would have. I was convinced that I could just keep my desires to myself. I struggled for three quiet years. The pressure built and intensified. I was not okay.

I rallied my courage, sat her down one evening, and told her I wanted to be her Dominant. I believed it was going to be awesome! It was going to solve all of our relationship problems and free my dominant spirit. I could not have been more wrong. It was horrible. I failed in so many ways. I was irresponsible, controlling, and closed to her in an attempt to express an immature understanding of what a Dominant truly is. I refused open communication that included listening to her fears, needs, and conflicts. I was caught unprepared for the many issues it would bring to the surface. I added injury to my insult by refusing to talk of anything other than my wants and needs. She, rightfully, freaked. I quickly became loud and defensive, names were called, lines were drawn, and ultimatums were thrown. You never do everything right the first time. I certainly didn't.

Telling someone you want to dominate them does not seem like one of those discussions that could ever go well. Neither does the "I want you to own me please" situation. But both are genuine calls for love from a partner. Shame should not be something a person feels about a genuine need. Don't expect your vanilla partner to understand this. In fact, don't expect anything from your vanilla partner at all. The less pressure you put on yourself or your partner, the better this conversation is going to go. Despite how you feel, or how trapped you have felt all these years, prepare for the rockiest week(s) of your life. You must be strong for the both of you. You are okay with your kink. For your partner, it may take some warming up to the idea.

When I broached the subject with my wife the first time, I made one very big mistake among the many small ones. When I opened the gates that held back my emotions, I let it all go. It was a torrent of angst, desire, frustration, and pain. I believed that if she felt the intensity of my need, there would be no way she could say no to me. I was unrealistic. I was unfair. No one could stand up to that onslaught... especially a sweet little Yankee who thought sex was fantastic the way it was! - so why change things?

Learn from my mistake here. Don't expect your partner to be your therapist. What you are about to tell your partner is not going to be easy for her, either. As hard as it is for you to share, it may be much harder for her to hear. It may very well rock the foundation of your relationship.

Once you have started talking, do not expect it to go smoothly. Don't panic. Just be aware that there is most likely a very fragile person sitting across the table from you. No matter how big and strong he looks to you, no matter how balanced and stable she seems sitting in that chair, your partner is just as nervous and confused as you feel. She may even feel judged on top of it all. My wife did the first time. Your partner may feel that she is being told that she is not good enough... that sex isn't good with her, or that you are unhappy with her physically and are simply trying to make her more attractive than she really is. Crazy, right?

I tried to address my needs with my wife again about two weeks ago. This last time went much better. I believe that the success of our conversation had much more to do with me than with her. It's not because she was small-minded or judgmental; she wasn't at all. Nor do I want you to think that her open-mindedness and patience had nothing to do with how it turned out. Nothing could be further from the truth. It hinged on me in that I was more peaceful, self-aware, self-controlled, and able to process my own emotions of frustration and desire into real, quantifiable expressions. I had finally matured enough that it was more than just, "I want it because it makes me happy!" I had learned enough that I could share with her the benefits that she could receive as well. I could elaborate on the growth, intimacy, and strength that our relationship would gain. I could do this for two reasons. First, I was much more educated on the pros and cons of the power exchange relationship. The second and more important reason was my focus. It was no longer just about me. I looked for, and could see in her, needs that could be met through this type of relationship as well. I actively worked on being open, honest, and most of all understanding of her responses and incorporating them into our new reality.

In a power exchange relationship between two loving, consensual people, both parties are able and likely to be fed in a healthy and satisfying way. This needs to be expressed to your partner. She may have no idea of the benefits that can be found in this type of relationship. You cannot assume your partner is as aware of, or into, alternate lifestyles as you are.

Also, I have discovered that the desire to experience a power exchange relationship with your partner is rooted in the sharing. Getting everything you ever wanted from her would leave no room for her, but sharing your desires in a way that does not exclude her or her ideas will make you much happier than if you just sought to get your way. I had been dreaming of this for years. But having my wife as an active partner in creating this dream has been better than I could ever have dreamed on my own.

Clearly, this is not a "how to" or a "step by step guide to..." There is no such thing. Each relationship is different, dynamic, and challenging in its own right. You would not be who you are without your present partner. Remember this, and remind her of the love that you feel for her when you share this. Remind her that it is in the spirit of love that you come to her.

One last thought. I have come to realize that what you need most often comes to you when you can handle it. If this doesn't go well, don't give up. Let go for now and stay hopeful. When the opportunity presents itself again, be ready to be the best partner you can be.

I really don't know how to begin this story. How do I describe something that began a long time ago and has evolved and now feels that it has a life of its own?

I am what you would call "vanilla." Or I thought I was. I am beginning to think that "vanilla" is not an absence of kink, just an aspect. Just as white is the absence of all color, and yet we categorize it as a color, I think "vanilla" is just another shade, a description that people use to classify a level of involvement or interest. It's not bad, just a way to categorize for description. I think for some it is what makes them happy, and they are fulfilled by what a "vanilla" life - sexual or otherwise - has to offer. Thankfully, I am married to a man who saw that my well goes much deeper than even I was aware of.

My husband and I met as kids - high school sweethearts. We dated, grew up together, fought, broke up, reunited. We eventually had a child together, and married. It wasn't until after we had married that I became aware of my husband's needs. We had not been wed long when he came to me and told me he was unhappy. Apparently, over the last few years, he had been trying to implement or introduce some out-of-the-ordinary things into our bedroom - lightweight stuff, but still very far outside of my comfort zone. I had not only been routinely rejecting these activities, but by extension, rejecting him. And he couldn't take it anymore. So he came to me with a list of demands.

** Let me stop here. I am coming to the belief that I am naturally submissive. But my life and struggles have made me quite a different woman. Control plays an important role in my life. I have in my life exuded control in both healthy and unhealthy ways, and allowed my need to create bad habits... something I struggle to work on daily. By the point in our life that we had this conversation, I had my sticky fingers in all aspects of my daily doings, and I was attempting to run his life as well. So back to the story. **

When my husband came to me with this (new-to-me) side of him, stating that he had for many years had this need to be the dominant partner in our relationship, not only sexually but in all aspects of our shared life, I immediately bucked. He was asking me to be submissive, something I wrongly equated to weak and diminished. I heard Domineered, not Dominated, and did not understand the fundamental difference. (Look up the definitions. Very enlightening.) In this miscommunication, and with my control issues running wild, I reacted - I would say violently, but it was a verbal and emotional violence only, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. I raged at how he was hurting me, that I was not good enough, that these things were not normal. I cried a lot. I felt rejected wholly. Why couldn't he love me the way I am? Why did he have to bring things like toys and bindings into our bedroom - foreign alien things that scared me? I completely denied the idea of ever being spanked, flogged, paddled, or the like. How dare he? Well, in all of this verbal diarrhea, I completely shunned a man who was coming to me in love for a need he felt and wanted to share. Looking back on it now with an understanding of him and his desires, I was angry and prideful and hurtful. And I am ashamed at my childishness. Where a simple "no" would have done (or even a "not right now" if I had been kind), I shamed him. I made him feel strange and abnormal and broken.

It is not a shock to me now that based on this conversation, our next few years of marriage - about seven or eight years actually - were tumultuous. We bounced between love and anger, deep passion and deep arguments. I naively thought that it was because we loved each other so much that we fought so hard. Truth be told, it was my loving husband's nature tearing him up between wanting to give me what I needed (the passion and romance and love) and fighting with his own desires being unfulfilled and denied (leading to the fights and discontent). I was too blind to see that I could have what I so ardently wanted by satisfying his yearnings. And he was frustrated to the nth degree in trying to show me this truth.

Two weeks ago, it came to a breaking point. He came to me, one last time, in love and need, and asked me to be willing to explore this lifestyle with him. Share this experience with him, allow him to show me who he truly is. I sat quietly in my chair, looking into his eyes full of trepidation and need, and could see the storm going on. I could almost hear him fighting with his commitment to us over his determination to be happy. And somehow it became abundantly clear to me. I love this man. I have loved him for so many years. But I am not actively intentionally loving him in a way that he so badly needs. I am not allowing him to be the partner he wants to be for me. I am not being the partner he deserves to have. If I truly love him, and believe in his love and care and concern for me, I will trust him. I will trust that he sees me, and my desires, clearer than I see myself.

And I said yes.

In that one word, years lifted off of his face. In my submission to him, I was allowed closer to him, something I have fought for and failed at for so long.

Now, this is not an easy process. In the past fourteen days, we have already had one or two arguments, where one or both of us felt terrified of our decision and worried that this would not work. We have had discussions where both of us were prepared for rejection, and armed with the willingness to be understanding and flexible. We have introduced some new concepts and toys and activities into our life, testing some limits. But most importantly, we listened. We sat down at the beginning, after giving a few days for contemplation, and we talked. We shared. Namely, we shared things we want from our life together. I talked about things I want to work on in me that I hope will blossom in this new dynamic. (For example: letting go of the need to control every last detail. It's tiresome and makes me weary and leaves me with no energy for anything or anyone else. We want to use our D/s relationship to nurture this need I have to let go, and give away the craving for control.) We laid out some hard limits. For us, this is a list of absolute no-nos that are non-negotiable until we have another sit-down. Some things on this list may stay there eternally, and some may cycle on and off. In this way, I am able to relax and know that he knows how far I am willing (or not so willing) to go. In our respect for this new relationship, he has come down to my level in this new life and I have stepped over the border of my comfort zone. Baby steps.

I have made a discovery about myself, especially in the last few days. My life before was very ordered. Subdivided and pigeon-holed in my clean little boxes. Everything where I left it. My need for control satisfied. But I was not happy. More control was required. Today, I have given my need for control over to my Dominant. He has my life in order. Keeps my subdivisions for me. Helps me feel satisfied in my submission to him. It is a beautiful thing to be able to give to him honor and care and love and capitulation and compliance. I am released from the control freak I have grown to be. I am free to focus on the one I married, the one I pledged my life to, the one I want to focus on. I have given in to some desires that I thought odd and uncomfortable at first, but found my body responding where my mind rejected. I cannot begin to tell you how quickly something rejected can turn into a craving.

If I can express nothing else to you, please be careful with your reactions and words. The person coming to you with this desire is baring a very tender part of their secret self, their inner yearnings. It can so easily be scarred, and is not so easily repaired. Understanding and communication is key. You love this person, or at least share a caring common bond that allows them to approach you with this desire. Nurture that. Trust in the knowledge that you both agree to have each other's best interest, pleasure, and fears in mind at all times. It is a path, not a destination. It won't always be easy, or fun. But I am learning the payoff is worth every step. I am thrilled down to my toes to see where this leads me.