I do not want to be the
leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live
darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man
lying over me, always over me. His will, his
pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his
sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I
don't mind working, holding my ground
intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh,
God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't
mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to
cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am
going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will
of a male at his time, his bidding.
—
Anais Nin
Modern women have fought for and won
what women prior to the 1950's never had before.
The female presence is seen in the boardroom, in
the military, in institutions of higher learning.
We get equal pay, equal political rights, and
control over reproduction... so why are so many of
us more stressed and less fulfilled than ever
before?
I
submit to you that perhaps in the
process of fighting for what we did not have, we
have abandoned and lost what we had. We have lost
the feminine mystique.
In my desire to embrace the
feminine mystique, I sought to recall a knowledge,
a secret, that seemed to be lost. When
I have looked at relationships that last and are
truly happy, when I have met women who have that
"inner glow" and seem to revel in being women,
when I read The Christian
Bible, The Jewish TaNaKh, the Muslim Quran, the
Tao or The Kama Sutra, I have come away
with certain truths that resonate for me, certain
things that, though not popular, seemed to work.
It is in embracing these truths and actually
living them that I have found the centeredness which
seems so elusive to modern women.
I'd like
to share some truths that have been
beneficial to me and have made me more of
a woman and more in tune with my femininity.
Women do not need to
compete with men to be as men
are.
It
is within the scope of our differences that we are
made one. It is through the union of our two equal
but opposite energies that wholeness is created. A
unit composed of only one energy type will
eventually destroy itself. However, in the
wholeness that comes from having both types of
energy, you can find your sense of self expressed
and understood most poignantly.
I am not a man.
I have no desire to be a man, to look like or
conduct myself as a man. Furthermore, I have no
need to compete with any man... still less with
my Master. To compete suggests wanting to
occupy the space He occupies. If I'm in the space
that is His, where will He be? And who will be in
the space I have abandoned?
His strength requires my
gentleness and softness.
As women, often we desire for men to
be strong. We might want to consider that
the strength of a man will require the gentle
softness of a woman.
I have noticed that I feel most
loved and cherished by Master when I am soft and
gentle. This is not to say it is always easy. At
times my initial inclination was to respond to
hurt or fear by becoming cold and distant. Master
would not allow me to do this. He worked with me
by not allowing my defenses. I found myself
responding to Him in softness, and I found Him
handling me differently.
Master's strength requires me
to be soft. I cannot respond differently and
expect a good outcome. If I respond to His
strength with hardness like stones, we cut against
each other, and eventually one of us will break.
Because I am the weaker, it will be me.
His leadership requires
my yielding.
I
have always wanted a man who would lead. Most
women I know say they want this as well. However,
often the truth is that we want a man who will
lead the way we would lead. In reality, if I want
Him to lead, I need to be willing to follow, to
yield. It seems an interesting phenomenon that
women want a leader and yet will become angry if a
man does not do their bidding, and then if he
does, most women will hold the man in contempt for
doing so.
I
read a quote some years ago by Marlene Dietrich
which speaks to this:
"To be completely woman
you need a Master, and in him a compass for your
life. You need a man you can look up to and
respect. If you dethrone him, it's no wonder that
you are discontented, and discontented women are
not loved for long."
When I yield to Master's leadership and am encouraging and supportive, I am laying the
foundation for us to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship. I am opening myself and
providing fertile ground for intimacy and bonding,
rather than being a chore and sufferance. Yielding
brings a state of being that provides for my
contentment as well. A contented woman is more
attractive and lovely to her Master and has a
greater sense of self.
His desire and passion
require my reckless abandon.
This is a difficult one. Most women
are raised and taught that to be a lady and a
woman of worth means displaying very little sexual
desire. When we enter into a relationship, we then
maintain this view and snuff out our Master's
desire. This applies to women out of the scene and
often to women who embrace submission as well.
Giving ourselves over to the storms of passion our
Masters ignite within us, without concern for
propriety or demeanor, can be a scary prospect.
However, if I want Master to display and unleash
passion on me, I must overcome old lessons and give myself over to
the fires He fuels. He does not want me perfectly coifed
and demure when I am in His bed; He wants to see
my hair mussed by passion, my lips bruised from
kissing, my cheeks streaked from
crying. He'd rather hear my voice husky and broken
than cool and controlled. Restraint in the
bedroom is not a virtue.
His Dominance requires
my submission.
If
I would have Him be Dominant, I must submit. This
is the crux of the matter in living a life
of submission. This is the price of fulfillment:
To prefer His will over my own. To
relinquish my way for His. To embrace His masculinity,
His strength, His power, and meet it with my
submission, my weakness, my vulnerability. To
feel my femaleness to my core without the
brittle mantle of control so many of my sisters
carry.
We are told that
fulfillment is found in control. What if it isn't?
What if the road to peace and joy is found not by pulling, but by yielding? Not
leading, but following? Not standing tall, but kneeling in
submission?
