Profiles in Disillusionment #1: Trust Crushed by E

I am no longer involved in a submissive relationship and have no intention of ever being in one again.

R and I met in an online D/s community. During the first several months of my being a part of that community, my previous relationship had ended and R and I started talking a lot more. Even then, there were some big gaps because after our first couple of phone conversations, I wasn't sure that I could handle him; he's very intense, and I backed off a little at first.

We never met in person... we spoke endless hours on the phone and used video chat, but we were never physically in the same place.

I knew he had other girls, online and real time; he had them the whole time; that was a part of his philosophy about male supremacy. In a world where men rule, shouldn't they be allowed to have as many women as they cared to? I didn't believe that I had any right to want him to do otherwise. I can't say that I felt particularly hurt by it, but I'm a fairly competitive person, so I'd be lying if I said that I didn't strive to be the best one, if I couldn't be the only one.

R was the first man I ever encountered who had such strong and unshakable conviction about female submission. Our relationship was long distance, but the bond was very real and very strong. I obeyed him to a fault, even to my own detriment. I trusted him with my life, and in many ways he became my God. In the realm of female submission, many women have such romanticized ideas that that would sound like the best possible life to live. However, the reality was that under R's instruction and supervision, I had lost an unhealthy amount of weight over the course of a year. I was preparing myself to cut off every member of my family and live in complete and utter service to him. In line with his views, I obeyed in making an effort to dumb myself down as much as possible and even believed that woman in general were completely useless.

Less than a week before I was booked on a flight to be with him, he emailed me and told me that I could not come, that he'd had a change of heart about his path. He ended all contact with me. To say that my heart was broken would be a great understatement; my heart was crushed into a million pieces and I was left not even knowing who I was any more. I looked in the mirror and a skeleton looked back at me. I didn't know what to do with myself. For the past year, the time it had taken for me to lose enough weight to be acceptable to him, every move I made had been dictated by him. You would be amazed how much control someone is able to wield from thousands of miles away if they manage to capture a girl in just the right way. He knew everything I did, everything I ate; I have scars on my body left from punishment he had me inflict on myself for mistakes I made. I was a mess.

Suddenly finding myself "in control" again, I lost all control entirely. I made mistakes during that time that I will suffer from for the rest of my life. It was the lowest point in my life, and I hope that I never reach anything lower than that.

After several months' separation, somehow we came to be in contact again. I so longed for the safety I thought I'd had in submitting to him that it was no time at all until we picked back up where we'd left off. During the second round of our relationship, he even had control of my bank account. The trouble was that I couldn't get back to the trust that I craved so deeply. I was terrified that any moment he would change his mind again, and in spite of plans once again for me to fly to be with him, I changed my mind and broke things off. I think it may have surprised him that I was able to break ties that second time, and believe me, it took every ounce of strength I had, and there have been many times since then that I've been tempted to wish I hadn't done it.

Another of R's former submissives contacted me shortly after the second time R and I dissolved our connection to one another. She was very concerned; she had also submitted to him, only she'd actually been to stay with him for some time. There are parts of her story that are very similar to mine and she cautioned me to stay away from him at all costs.

More than anything I have no desire to come into any sort of contact with him. He's like a drug, and he has an unexplainable power over people. I understand all too well what is meant by "obsession." Even early on, he had seemed like the perfect man to serve, and so I had searched endlessly online for anything he had said or done. I wanted to impress and please him, because when I did, he made me feel like everything was right in the world. No matter what he may have written in the past, and how right it might have sounded, I've given up trying to figure out what R does or doesn't believe, and I just don't care anymore.

I experienced his cruelty in a very real way, but at the end of the day, I let it happen and so I no longer lay that at his feet. For all of his faults, I don't blame R entirely for the things that went on. I listened, I obeyed, I chose to submit. It was as much my own fault as it was his. I refuse to be victimized by it, but I will never let it happen again.

I don't hold a grudge against R, I simply don't trust him. I keep my distance now, not because I hate him, not because I was so badly hurt that I can't stand him; I stay away because I know all too well that one conversation with him and I'll be right back where I was, and I'm living alone now, away from my family, more vulnerable than ever, and in spite of how bad I know it all was, there are huge parts of me that still wish to have it all back.

Any delusions of grandeur I had about being submissive are long gone at this point. I know myself to be a talented, useful, intelligent woman. I still believe that there is something submissive in my nature. I don't, by any means, wear the pants in any relationship I get into, but after suffering in such a real and life-changing way to the level of submission I was engaged in then, I don't trust myself or anyone else enough to be in that sort of relationship any more.

I still believe in submission to a point; I'd even go as far as to say that I believe in natural order to a point as well, but my definitions are very different than R's were and I don't at all wish to be involved in a relationship that focuses on these two things specifically. I believe that men and women are equally valuable, but their roles are very different. I have a healthy respect for men and for their gender role. I don't believe they are better than I am, but I do believe they are different, their strengths are different, and I respect that. I believe that for there to be balance between men and women that - in a relationship - men should be the natural leaders and women should show a certain amount of submission. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to make your entire relationship focus on these aspects. It seems to me that people are driven to focusing on it because there's a great social imbalance in the male and female relationships.

I feel like having a submissive personality is part of who I am, and it's not going anywhere - part of who I am, not everything. Because of that, I'm no longer seeking relationships that try to make that part the main focus, and instead I believe it's healthier for me to let that part take its natural course in any relationship I'm in, instead of seeking out a specifically D/s relationship.

For me, it's a matter of being balanced, and not of rejecting my inner submissive. In my job I hold a leadership role, and it's good for me; I'm good with people, good with taking charge in that role. Previously when my focus was submission, I wouldn't have let myself do the things I'm doing now, even though they come so naturally to me.

I have no worries of "ending up" with someone who doesn't meet my "submissive needs" - first, because I'm simply not attracted to men who don't have more of an authoritative personality; second, because I wouldn't ever choose to be in a relationship that made me uncomfortable; and third - and possibly most important - I realize now, at this stage of my life and after everything I've been through, that a lot of the trappings of D/s are just that... trappings. The exercises in submission, the rules, the discipline, sexual or not: most of it only adds up to what is basically mental foreplay, and eventually you need more than that. And given that I've been there, done that, I'd rather not wade through a sea of dominant men who are, for the most part, just looking for that, when I could be meeting an average guy who's confident, who knows when to take authority, and who respects me.